Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Princess Charming

So, apparently too much pink is damaging to the personalities of little girls, which i causing quite the comment session at feminisitng. and of course any discussion about pink eventually leads to princesses cause, all princesses wear gobs of pink...you know? at least, they do in our culture obsessed with driving home the notion that girls need their men to come along and rescue them. and i had this epiphany, like i do sometimes, about how i used to be that girl. and how i'm not anymore.

i had a relationship that was bad, not as bad as some and certainly not as bad as it could have been. but in the sense that he wreaked havoc with my sense of self worth and made me doubt everything about myself it was bad. not that my home life at the time was any better. my mother and i have never had what i would call a normal, healthy relationship, although now that i don't live with her things are much better. then along comes this guy. he's big and strong, with piercing blue eyes and a smooth tongue, looking like some nordic/germanic warrior and i fell hard and fast. and he knew it. and he took control of it, and me. and i very much wanted him to. i very much believed that he was going to save me from my life, and that we'd go off to the college of his choosing and i'd be his little house wife. thank the gods that didn't happen.

but in the depths of the dysfunction of that relationship, all i wanted was for him to consume me. it's the closest i've ever been to full submission of my will to another. and if the relationship hadn't been as crash and burn as it turned out to be, i might have ended up in a very different place. but it was. and it did.

fast forward almost a decade, and i'm in a new city with the most perfect man for me. we were laying in bed, not that long ago, talking about all manner of things and i asked him if he was glad he'd moved with me. we hadn't know each other very long, let alone been dating for long, when the decision got made. and he looked at me with those dark blue/green eyes of his and said "of course i am. you saved me from, what was turning into, a really hellish life." or something to that effect. reading the bit about princesses, and their desire to be rescued from their lives, made me think of that moment. and while that statement should have had all kinds of subversive undertones, it somehow doesn't. he's a strong man, stronger than he knows i think, and perfectly capable of dealing. the move was my idea and i orchestrated the endeavor, but he funded it and turned it from a pipe dream into a reality. but he credits me as his savior, and in some ways i really like that feeling. in many ways, i also think it feeds into the power exchange dynamic we have, and the occasional and general roll reversals we enjoy.

i'm not really sure where i'm going with this. it doesn't have a point, like some posts i've made. but the thought really made me go humm....

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